Help! I'm Trapped in the Dilbert Zone! - a one act play

Help! I’m Trapped in the Dilbert Zone

A one act play, as told to Daniel Geretz

Prologue:

11:30 pm, a Monday night about two weeks before Rosh Hashana. Our hero’s (OH) home office.

It is open enrollment for medical coverage at “The Big Company, Inc.”  (TBC) For some reason lost in the mists of time, TBG’s annual renewal with Guardian Galaxy (GG) always occurs on a random date less than two weeks after Simchat Torah (OH suspects that perhaps alcohol, condoms, anti-Semitic trained monkeys and a dartboard played a part.) OH feels enormous pressure at this time of year, especially since God has not blessed the Jewish people with a Rosh Hashana that falls on Shabbat and Sunday since 2009.

OH has been corresponding with the new agent at Acme Brokers, Inc. (AB) about coverage questions. The new agent mysteriously has been more interested in pitching supplemental insurance through Quack Quack, Inc. (OH also idly wonders about another matter beyond his pay scale - how TBC ended up with AB as its broker for GG.) OH has been riding AB since July to get the new rates from GG, but new rates are not issued by GG and AB does not usually furnish them until well after Rosh Chodesh Elul.

As we watch, OH pecks out an email…

“M, I am working on putting together election letters for our employee meeting on Thursday.  I still need the rates on the three plans we are offering for X, who wants to add a dependent, as well as Y, who is not yet eligible but will be in mid-November.

“Also, a few questions about the benefit highlights document you put together. I am pretty sure that our option Z plan pays nothing until the deductible is met, shouldn’t it say somewhere next to the copays that the deductible must be met first? ..."

Act I, Scene I:

1:45 pm, The week after Simchat Torah, a few days before the anniversary date. OH’s office at TBC.

OH has all election options and paperwork to AB/GG, but is still working out coverage details for the new employee who is not yet eligible.  OH got a quick answer from the agent at AB, but wants to make sure that it is accurate. OH reaches for the phone…

GG automated attendant: (Asks for account number which OH types into IVR) Our wait times are longer than normal (this message never changes) – please hold for the next agent. (Muzak; thankfully, no additional inserted helpful announcements which might lead one to believe that a real live person had picked up the line for half a second before having one’s hopes dashed. Some time later…)

GG agent: Hello, this is Veronica, how can I help you?

OH: I have a question about enrollment for a new employee.

GG agent: OK, but first, can you give me the company name. (OH and Veronica go back and forth. At the end, apparently, Veronica is satisfied that OH is the real deal and not some deranged teenager with so much time on his or her hands that they would actually call GG and listen to Muzak for half an hour.)

OH: (explains complex question involving out-of-state employees with individual coverage, anniversary dates, hire and qualifying dates, etc.)

GG agent: OK, so you are asking (repeats back question with a number of factual errors, making it clear the question was not understood.)

OH: May I speak to a supervisor, please?

GG agent: Sure, but first, let me ask you (some inane question about OH’s question, seeking clarification.)

OH: Please, may I speak to a supervisor?

GG agent: Sure, but first, let me ask you (some other inane question.)

OH: Please, just transfer me to a supervisor.

GG agent: You mean you want me to transfer you to our escalation team?

OH: (“escalation team” sounds better than what OH has now.) Yes, please.

GG agent: Please hold (thankfully, no additional “Sure, but first”s. More Muzak.)

GG agent: Sir, I am going to need to have someone call you back.

OH: When will that be, tomorrow?

GG agent: Five to ten minutes.

OH: Five to ten minutes? (Trying to keep sarcasm out of voice) OK, so I’ll expect that call back by __.

GG agent: Thank you.

(Dissolve; 25 minutes later)

TBC Receptionist: OH, there’s a call for you from GG on 701.

OH: (Shocked to get call back on same business day, picking up line.) Hello?

GG agent: Sir OH? This is Veronica, from GG.

OH: (Uh oh… Guardedly) Yes?

GG agent: I am calling you back about your question about (irrelevant)

OH: (Cutting off Veronica) I asked to speak to a supervisor? Are you a supervisor?

GG agent: No.

OH: May I please speak to a supervisor?

GG agent: Sure, but first I want to confirm that you are asking a question about (irrelevant.)

OH: We’ve been through this. May I please speak to a supervisor?

GG agent: Sure, but first I want to ask whether you are ready to speak to someone on our escalation team.

OH: (“escalation team” – oh yeah…) Yes, please.

GG agent: Please hold. (Muzak. After about five more minutes.)

GG supervisor: Hello, sir OH. How can I help you.

OH: (begins to explain complex question, giving dates and facts. About sixty seconds into the explanation, realizes that line has gone unusually quiet and there are periodic unusual clicks.) Hello? Hello? (waits about 30 seconds, hears occasional snatches of conversation. Waits another five minutes with phone off hook, hoping that supervisor will notice that line is disconnected and calls back. No dice. Hangs up phone. Idly wonders where call center is. Philippines? Is that close to North Korea? Checks world news on Internet.)

(Dissolve; a few minutes later)

TBC Receptionist (overheard from a few cubicles away): Hello? I can’t hear you! I think we have a bad connection. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello?

(Dissolve; a few minutes later)

TBC Receptionist (overheard from a few cubicles away): Hello? I can’t hear you! I think we have a bad connection. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello?

(Dissolve, about 30 minutes later; “I can’t hear you” calls have gradually petered out and come to an end.)

OH reaches for the phone…

GG automated attendant: (Asks for account number which OH types into IVR) Our wait times are longer than normal (suprising) – please hold for the next agent. (Muzak; Some time later…)

GG agent: Hello, this is Veronica, how can I help you?

OH: (Calculating the odds that the call center has only one employee and her name is Veronica, and the odds that everyone in the call center is named Veronica, and deciding that regardless of the odds, for expediency this is the same agent from before.) Hi, it’s OH again. I spoke to you a bit before…

GG agent: (confused) Sir OH?

OH: I spoke to you before, I asked to speak to a supervisor. You were going to transfer me, but no one was available, so someone called me back.  We got disconnected. Can you put me back through?

GG agent: OK, but first, I want to find out why you are calling.

OH: We’ve been through this before on the last call. My question is complex and I want to speak to a supervisor. May I speak to one?

GG agent: Sure, but first, I want to find out if you want to speak to a member of our escalation team.

OH: (Tries to get “escalation team” through thick skull.) Yes, please.  And in consideration of the fact that it’s late here, and I was disconnected, I am going to insist on speaking to them now rather than waiting for a call back.

GG agent: Please hold. (Muzak. A lot of it. Finally…)

GG supervisor: Hello, Sir OH. How can I help you.

OH: (asks complex question, gets to end, and GG supervisor is still there.)

GG supervisor: So, if I understand you, you are asking (repeats question back, with a bunch of factual erros. Clearly GG supervisor does not understand OH.)

OH: (exasperated) Um, is there anyone there who is a native English speaker?

GG supervisor: Sure, but first, let me understand your question (begins to repeat question back, making clear GG supervisor has no clue what OH is talking about. “Out of state”? The US has states? Who knew?)

OH: May I please speak to a native English speaker?

GG supervisor: Sure, but first, I want to be sure that I understand what you are asking for…

OH: (Cutting across GG supervisor) Are you a native English speaker?

GG supervisor: No.

OH: Please let me speak to someone who is.

(Fade to black.  At this point, OH is transferred to Stephanie who actually knows the difference between Pennsylvania and New Jersey and even knows what towns are in Eastern Pennsylvania and Western New Jersey.)