Help! I'm Trapped in the Dilbert Zone! - a one act play

Help! I’m Trapped in the Dilbert Zone

A one act play, as told to Daniel Geretz

Prologue:

11:30 pm, a Monday night about two weeks before Rosh Hashana. Our hero’s (OH) home office.

It is open enrollment for medical coverage at “The Big Company, Inc.”  (TBC) For some reason lost in the mists of time, TBG’s annual renewal with Guardian Galaxy (GG) always occurs on a random date less than two weeks after Simchat Torah (OH suspects that perhaps alcohol, condoms, anti-Semitic trained monkeys and a dartboard played a part.) OH feels enormous pressure at this time of year, especially since God has not blessed the Jewish people with a Rosh Hashana that falls on Shabbat and Sunday since 2009.

OH has been corresponding with the new agent at Acme Brokers, Inc. (AB) about coverage questions. The new agent mysteriously has been more interested in pitching supplemental insurance through Quack Quack, Inc. (OH also idly wonders about another matter beyond his pay scale - how TBC ended up with AB as its broker for GG.) OH has been riding AB since July to get the new rates from GG, but new rates are not issued by GG and AB does not usually furnish them until well after Rosh Chodesh Elul.

As we watch, OH pecks out an email…

“M, I am working on putting together election letters for our employee meeting on Thursday.  I still need the rates on the three plans we are offering for X, who wants to add a dependent, as well as Y, who is not yet eligible but will be in mid-November.

“Also, a few questions about the benefit highlights document you put together. I am pretty sure that our option Z plan pays nothing until the deductible is met, shouldn’t it say somewhere next to the copays that the deductible must be met first? ..."

Act I, Scene I:

1:45 pm, The week after Simchat Torah, a few days before the anniversary date. OH’s office at TBC.

OH has all election options and paperwork to AB/GG, but is still working out coverage details for the new employee who is not yet eligible.  OH got a quick answer from the agent at AB, but wants to make sure that it is accurate. OH reaches for the phone…

GG automated attendant: (Asks for account number which OH types into IVR) Our wait times are longer than normal (this message never changes) – please hold for the next agent. (Muzak; thankfully, no additional inserted helpful announcements which might lead one to believe that a real live person had picked up the line for half a second before having one’s hopes dashed. Some time later…)

GG agent: Hello, this is Veronica, how can I help you?

OH: I have a question about enrollment for a new employee.

GG agent: OK, but first, can you give me the company name. (OH and Veronica go back and forth. At the end, apparently, Veronica is satisfied that OH is the real deal and not some deranged teenager with so much time on his or her hands that they would actually call GG and listen to Muzak for half an hour.)

OH: (explains complex question involving out-of-state employees with individual coverage, anniversary dates, hire and qualifying dates, etc.)

GG agent: OK, so you are asking (repeats back question with a number of factual errors, making it clear the question was not understood.)

OH: May I speak to a supervisor, please?

GG agent: Sure, but first, let me ask you (some inane question about OH’s question, seeking clarification.)

OH: Please, may I speak to a supervisor?

GG agent: Sure, but first, let me ask you (some other inane question.)

OH: Please, just transfer me to a supervisor.

GG agent: You mean you want me to transfer you to our escalation team?

OH: (“escalation team” sounds better than what OH has now.) Yes, please.

GG agent: Please hold (thankfully, no additional “Sure, but first”s. More Muzak.)

GG agent: Sir, I am going to need to have someone call you back.

OH: When will that be, tomorrow?

GG agent: Five to ten minutes.

OH: Five to ten minutes? (Trying to keep sarcasm out of voice) OK, so I’ll expect that call back by __.

GG agent: Thank you.

(Dissolve; 25 minutes later)

TBC Receptionist: OH, there’s a call for you from GG on 701.

OH: (Shocked to get call back on same business day, picking up line.) Hello?

GG agent: Sir OH? This is Veronica, from GG.

OH: (Uh oh… Guardedly) Yes?

GG agent: I am calling you back about your question about (irrelevant)

OH: (Cutting off Veronica) I asked to speak to a supervisor? Are you a supervisor?

GG agent: No.

OH: May I please speak to a supervisor?

GG agent: Sure, but first I want to confirm that you are asking a question about (irrelevant.)

OH: We’ve been through this. May I please speak to a supervisor?

GG agent: Sure, but first I want to ask whether you are ready to speak to someone on our escalation team.

OH: (“escalation team” – oh yeah…) Yes, please.

GG agent: Please hold. (Muzak. After about five more minutes.)

GG supervisor: Hello, sir OH. How can I help you.

OH: (begins to explain complex question, giving dates and facts. About sixty seconds into the explanation, realizes that line has gone unusually quiet and there are periodic unusual clicks.) Hello? Hello? (waits about 30 seconds, hears occasional snatches of conversation. Waits another five minutes with phone off hook, hoping that supervisor will notice that line is disconnected and calls back. No dice. Hangs up phone. Idly wonders where call center is. Philippines? Is that close to North Korea? Checks world news on Internet.)

(Dissolve; a few minutes later)

TBC Receptionist (overheard from a few cubicles away): Hello? I can’t hear you! I think we have a bad connection. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello?

(Dissolve; a few minutes later)

TBC Receptionist (overheard from a few cubicles away): Hello? I can’t hear you! I think we have a bad connection. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello?

(Dissolve, about 30 minutes later; “I can’t hear you” calls have gradually petered out and come to an end.)

OH reaches for the phone…

GG automated attendant: (Asks for account number which OH types into IVR) Our wait times are longer than normal (suprising) – please hold for the next agent. (Muzak; Some time later…)

GG agent: Hello, this is Veronica, how can I help you?

OH: (Calculating the odds that the call center has only one employee and her name is Veronica, and the odds that everyone in the call center is named Veronica, and deciding that regardless of the odds, for expediency this is the same agent from before.) Hi, it’s OH again. I spoke to you a bit before…

GG agent: (confused) Sir OH?

OH: I spoke to you before, I asked to speak to a supervisor. You were going to transfer me, but no one was available, so someone called me back.  We got disconnected. Can you put me back through?

GG agent: OK, but first, I want to find out why you are calling.

OH: We’ve been through this before on the last call. My question is complex and I want to speak to a supervisor. May I speak to one?

GG agent: Sure, but first, I want to find out if you want to speak to a member of our escalation team.

OH: (Tries to get “escalation team” through thick skull.) Yes, please.  And in consideration of the fact that it’s late here, and I was disconnected, I am going to insist on speaking to them now rather than waiting for a call back.

GG agent: Please hold. (Muzak. A lot of it. Finally…)

GG supervisor: Hello, Sir OH. How can I help you.

OH: (asks complex question, gets to end, and GG supervisor is still there.)

GG supervisor: So, if I understand you, you are asking (repeats question back, with a bunch of factual erros. Clearly GG supervisor does not understand OH.)

OH: (exasperated) Um, is there anyone there who is a native English speaker?

GG supervisor: Sure, but first, let me understand your question (begins to repeat question back, making clear GG supervisor has no clue what OH is talking about. “Out of state”? The US has states? Who knew?)

OH: May I please speak to a native English speaker?

GG supervisor: Sure, but first, I want to be sure that I understand what you are asking for…

OH: (Cutting across GG supervisor) Are you a native English speaker?

GG supervisor: No.

OH: Please let me speak to someone who is.

(Fade to black.  At this point, OH is transferred to Stephanie who actually knows the difference between Pennsylvania and New Jersey and even knows what towns are in Eastern Pennsylvania and Western New Jersey.)

The Orthodox Union Statement on Women's Ordination

A few days ago, Rabbi Avi Shafran published an opinion piece in the Forward about women’s ordination.  In it, he states:

“For these reasons, the OU is correct in insisting than Orthodox Judaism is not compatible with female clergy. But not everyone agrees, and now the OU faces the decision of what, if anything, to do about five member synagogues that insist on retaining women clergy. 

"Some rabbis of OU-affiliated congregations feel that expelling those synagogues that flout the rabbinic decision is inadvisable, and that there is no need for the organization to do anything more than what it has already done by issuing the decision. 

"Others, though, assert that a clear rabbinic decision is not something a group pledged to halachic standards can ignore, even if it means taking painful steps. 

"Unity and comity, to be sure, sometimes require 'looking the other way,' and not pressing even pressing issues. But standing up to a Zeitgeist-fueled innovation rejected by halachic authorities is the essence of Orthodoxy – and always has been. 

"The OU is in fact Orthodox, and stands proudly for halachic integrity, in both the kashrut and congregational realms, even when doing so may be unpopular and buck contemporary mores. 

"It has every right and reason to expect its congregations to display the same courage.”

Perhaps I am not reading this correctly, and I am sure Rabbi Shafran will correct me if he is not in fact encouraging the Orthodox Union to expel member congregations which do not conduct themselves in accordance with the responses of the rabbinic panel that the Orthodox Union convened.

When the Orthodox Union statement on women’s ordination and the accompanying responses of the rabbinic panel were released earlier this year, I chose not to comment publicly on the documents until such time as I had read them closely, and to reflect on the issue.  Based on Rabbi Shafran’s opinion piece, which is only the last in a series of misrepresentations and distortions about the content of the Orthodox Union statement, I now feel compelled to speak out on the issue.

First off, I will note that Rabbi Shafran is the Director of Public Affairs and Spokesman for Agudath Israel of America. Last I checked, Agudath Israel of America is not “Modern Orthodox” and it baffles me as to why someone like Rabbi Shafran would weigh in on what is essentially a Modern Orthodox issue.

Be that as it may, I will also not that Agudath Israel of America enacted an Internet ban a while ago, so perhaps Rabbi Shafran can be excused for not having read the entire Orthodox Union statement nor the entire rabbinic response – maybe he read it on the sly in a hurry, or maybe he read a “reader’s digest” version furnished by one of his askanim.

I will reproduce the relevant parts of the statement and the rabbinic response here.

From the Orthodox Union statement:

“We therefore urge all segments of our community to recognize and focus upon what unites us. As articulated by the Rabbinic Panel, women can and should teach Torah, including at advanced and sophisticated levels; give shiurim and divrei torah; assume communally significant roles in pastoral counseling, in bikkur cholim, in community outreach to the affiliated and unaffiliated, in youth and teen programming; and in advising on issues of taharas hamishpacha, in conjunction with local rabbinic authority, when found by a community’s local rabbinic and lay leadership to be appropriate. Let us focus our energy and communal creativity on increasing and enhancing the contributions that women make to our shuls and communities, rather than being consumed with limitations.”

Note that Rabbi Shafran has decided to ignore the Orthodox Union statement which encourages communities to focus on “what unites us” and, as an outsider, has decided to exploit those issues internal to the Modern Orthodox community on which there is disagreement to sow further discord and destroy that community.

The sentiments in the Orthodox Union statement are also expressed in the rabbinic panel response:

“That being said, female role models are, of course, absolutely critical for the spiritual growth of our community. Communities depend, and have always depended, upon women’s participation in a wide array of critical roles, both lay and professional, that are wholly consistent with Torah’s guidelines. Women should most enthusiastically be encouraged to share their knowledge, talents, and skills - as well as their passion and devotion - to synagogues, schools and community organizations. The restriction on assuming a clergy role has not precluded, and need not preclude, women from making vital and substantial contributions to the Jewish people.”

Rather than focusing on the one divisive issue addressed in the Orthodox Union statement, one hopes that the Orthodox Union will commit to doing the following, particularly within those Modern Orthodox communities and synagogues which are its constituents:

• Encourage member synagogues to begin offering shiurim and classes for women that are on the same intellectual level as those offered for men. These shiurim need not be coed; they ought to be, however, on the same level. For someone who prepares a shiur or class, giving the class a second time actually helps to refine the material presented.  On this 40th anniversary of the Rav’s opening shiur on Talmud for women at Stern, this ought to be a no-brainer; the reality is that many communities still offer daf yomi or gemara for men and parashat hashavua for women, which simply cannot do for any community which calls itself Modern Orthodox.
• Encourage member synagogues to develop schedules, at least on Shabbat, such that services are scheduled to enable both parents of small children can attend the entire Shabbat morning service.  Communities which offer a "main" minyan at around 9 am and do not offer a hashkama minyan much later than 7 am ought to do some serious cheshbon hanefesh as to what message they are sending not only to parents of young children, but also to the young men and women that they expect to lead children’s groups or the like.
• Encourage member synagogues to move Shabbat morning drashot from before musaf to after Adon Olam, to afford equal opportunities for both learned men and women to give divrei Torah to the entire community.  This change makes it clear that the devar Torah or drasha is not at all part of the Shabbat morning service and would obviate any objection to having a woman address the community from the pulpit.
• Encourage member synagogues to design and/or redesign sanctuaries and prayer spaces such that they are “women friendly” and afford adequate and equal space for women, with mechitzot that are designed to halakhic standards yet afford clear sightlines of the aron, the pulpit, and the shulchan, so that women can feel the same intimacy and immediacy of a prayer space that men do, rather than feeling like spectators. Encourage synagogues to include an equal number of women on design/redesign committees rather than just one or two to be “yotzei” on having “consulted the women.” While women are not normatively understood to be halakhically eligible to lead prayers, they certainly are men's partners and equals when it comes to sharing a prayer space and they ought to have equal say in the aesthetics of any such space, at the very least.

I am sure that were we to put our minds to it, we might come up with any number of additional meaningful suggestions. The above list is not meant as an exhaustive list of suggestions; it is meant as a starting point. It is also a positive starting point for implementing the recommendations in the Orthodox Union statement.

I am personally disappointed that the Orthodox Union felt compelled to take any position on women’s ordination, since I believe the Orthodox Union has put itself in a no-win situation by doing so. Nonetheless, I laud the Orthodox Union for encouraging the Orthodox community to focus on what unites us, and I offer the above suggestions as a positive way to do just that.